Survey Completed on Long-Winded RYFGs

[kohikari]

[[Don't want to slog through the knee-deep piles of crap in the archives of ff.n? Have no fear! Judy the Masochist will do it for you.]]

On September 4th I started a project to read and review (in a way) every novel-length fic in the most popular Naruto pairing on ff.n. Which means, a lot of yaoi. I suffer for my art. (Yes, OCD is my art.  Because I'm special.)

(BTW, KakaSaku has overtaken KakaIru/etc. as the eighth most popular pairing; between teacher/student and random yaoi pairing, I have to say no comment.)

(Have I posted the Naruto survey on this account yet? I don't think I have. Okay, top ten pairings on ff.n are, from first to tenth: SasuNaru/etc.; SasuSaku; NaruHina; NejiTen; NaruSaku; ItaSasu; SasuHina; KakaSaku; KakaIru/etc.; GaaSaku.)

I went ADD for a month between September 5 and October 8, and went slowly for the rest of the month because of senior year and all, but I finally finished it today~ *feels special* On the fourth there were 37 100K+ worded fics in this section; by today, there were 44. The seven newbies are GCH, FB, MB, ED, N:TNC, and LMMB. These crazy people, they just don't stop. Anywho, fics are arranged in order of publishing date; debatably coherent "review" follows each description. (Asterisks mark the fics on my stalk list, a.k.a. fics I actually care about.) Like so.

Fic Title (Author)
"Summary given, word for word (i even had enouhg sefl-control ot leave hte typos aloen)."
Rating - Genre(s) - # of Chapters - # of Words - # of Reviews - Date Published--Date Updated

Comments!

And, onward.

Naruto no Hohoemi (Nazo)
"Through Naruto's journey to adulthood, he finds his act has started to become harder than ever to pull off and through the cracking of his mask, Sasuke comes to realize that Naruto's smiles hide more demons than just the Kyuubi...SasuNaru Ch64 uploaded"
M – Drama/Romance – 64ch – 195Kw – 1513r – 11.29.03—8.2.05

Ah, this one. Picks up during the Sasuke-in-a-Barrel!arc. Lots of random insertion of Japanese terms, definitely some wavering characterization, and an awkward KakaIru side pairing to boot; goes through lots of random (and not-so-random) plot twists, abrupt time jumps, etc., has the ovaries to pull war and major character death (it’s clear it’s trying to be an epic). There’s clichéd prophetic dreams and illogical villain scenes (why oh why is there always pointless rape? Jesus…) and plenty of angst. Oh, the angst, how it buuurns. And the plot! Arc after convoluted arc…it just never ends. One disaster right after another. It’s almost like a whole series of fics crammed into one. Not obviously a bad thing, but the emo just builds up. The depressing thing is there’s much, much worse out there. In fact, compared to most of ff.n, this is downright readable. Maybe all it needs is an enthusiastic betareading. A really enthusiastic betareading.

The 13^th Hour (Aekwiel)
"SasuNaru, Romance, AU, Suspense, SuperNatural. First Naruto vampire fanfic ever! Naruto spends a week alone in a creepy old castle to capture paranormal footage...although he's not as alone as he thinks he is."
M – Romance/Supernatural – 21ch – 132Kw – 1523r – 2.29.04—11.7.06

Like the summary says, it was the first Naruto vampfic. So, props for that I guess. It’s not that bad, really—characterization is decent, plot is compelling, et cetera et cetera et cetera. We’re possibly looking at the inventor of Naruto-specific vampfic clichés. That deserves some recognition, right?  Also, I'm too lazy to reread this right now.

Flower of Konoha (Princess-Tsunade)
"Loneliness ends for Naruto when his sister returns, and he finds himself surrounded by the love and care he'd always longed for. But Danah has also returned for another reason to protect him, because the enemies of Konoha are stirring ..KakashiOC"
T – Adventure/Romance – 57ch – 469Kw – 1101r – 5.4.04—8.11.06

Ah, an OC. Ah, a Mary Sue.  …Yeah, I didn’t even bother to click on this one; the summary made it too obvious, and I didn’t want to waste an ulcer on prematurely hoping for fiery doom.

Seeking True Love Version 2 (Resha Hime)
"IMPORTANT NOTE INSIDE. YAOI. SasuNaru. Naruto loves Sakura and would do anything for her. But he never knew the feelings a certain dark haired boy harboured for him, and the extents said boy would go to ensure Naruto's happiness."
T – Angst/Romance – 11ch – 115Kw – 201r – 3.4.05—5.30.06

This one made me laugh. Can’t quite remember why; it’s probably the sheer amount of angst and emo. Herein lies the kind of wangsting Sasuke rarely seen outside of parodies. Hee. And then with the pushing Sakura at each other. Oh, the angst; it clouds the vision (so that you can’t see that there’s no real plot, just endless romance weepery).

Kitsune Mask (Herdeus)
"[Fool Chapter 32 up][Yaoi] Evil Naruto fic. The end of the exams draw near, so why does it feel like something's not right? Chapter 32Author's note."
M – General/Drama – 32ch – 104K – 305r – 8.21.05—7.13.07

These people take themselves so seriously it’s hard for the reader to take the story seriously, what with the Naruto-Sue and the foggy characterization and the random selective amnesia. But hey! It’s like the only one without "Romance" in the genre. Plot? Well, not as much as Nazo tried to cram into Naruto no Hohoemi, but considerably more than STLV2 (not that that’s saying much), and almost as much emo (and that’s saying a lot). Also, the randomest pairings. It can be as hilarious as the previous fic if you read it right (i.e. as if you’re in the mindset of sporking a la GAFF and/or are poking fun at everything in sight).

*Possession (Fractured Dreams)
"When you've lost everything you've ever held dear in your heart, it's hard to pick up the peices and start again. But Naruto gets a chance to rebuild his life and find peace with his past. And perhaps, to find love with another. Shounen ai, Sas x naru, AU"
M – Angst/Romance – 28ch – 131K – 989r – 8.26.05—9.23.07

The thing about this fic is, it’s actually good if you ignore the characterization. Pretend that the "sweet shy emo PTSD kid" masquerading as Uzumaki Naruto doesn’t grate too much, and that the "half-hearted-rebel student artist rich kid" going by the name of Uchiha Sasuke isn’t out of place, and you have a sort of vaguely clichéd, soft romance story. With horses. (Interestingly enough, this started out as a sort of psychological abuse fic, but the consent plotbunny ran away with it. I have absolutely no problem with this.)

Blood, Sweat, and Tears (Mageofblackflames)
"Chapter 37 is up! Sorry, I promise I will get to reply to the reviews in the next chapter I forgot! Sorry I love you all! RR"
M – Romance/Adventure – 37ch – 202K – 103r – 10.7.05—12.12.06

If you can get past the…erm…interesting title (*coughemocough*), you’ll find a couple of Mary Sues in the first chapter. Ahaha. I skipped ahead and found more Sueage and rampant OCs. Joy. I think I’ll waste my day on something else, thanks.

*Almost Sucks (Mashiro)
"[AU, Naruto x Sasuke] Dragged from his life in the city, Sasuke is expected to make a new home among white picket fences and faked friendly neighbors. And a rather persistant stalker. A story about growing up, about family and about that love thing."
M – General/Romance – 62ch – 257K – 1723r – 1.5.06—9.17.07

This fic is different because the author is a guy and a Swede. (With better English than most native English speakers on this site, but it’s the cesspit of ff.n, so what can you do?) It really isn’t a bad story. Characterization is great, side KakaIru doesn’t intrude too much (with their PASSIONATE TEN WORD CONVERSATION—sorry, private peeve), the story moves awkwardly but efficiently, and the author is not constantly MIA. (Hee. Boom. Gangster!Gaara tickles me liek woah.) Also, the thought of Naruto telling Sasuke he’s going to marry him shortly after they first meet makes me fall out of my chair laughing. So. Props.

Battle For Dominance (Charlie911)
"[COMPLETE] Naruto just started Konoha High School A.K.A. HELL. He catch the attention of K4, a ruthless bunch of bratty kids who enjoy tormenting others. Can he survive the peer pressure of high school? [COMPLETE]"
M – Humor/Romance – 24ch – 121K – 744r – 1.15.06—6.6.06

I read all of this fic and all of its pointless sequel. All I gained from the experience was a persistent and all-consuming hatred for the possibly self-insertion Mary Sue OC, who practically defines deus ex machina what with the money and the omniscience and the omnipotence and—Jesus. I suppose the stories themselves aren’t that bad. I just loathe Halie Coron with a vengeance.

*Everyone’s Got Secrets (Erisabesu)
"Ch.15 "Answering questions isn’t part of the deal," Ibiki thumped a scroll into Sasuke’s waiting hand. "But I congratulate you on your information gathering abilities." [SasuNaruSasu, KakaIruKaka] Romance, Humor, Action, Drama, Yaoi, Oh My."
M – Romance/Humor – 15ch – 244K – 585r – 1.16.06—10.29.06

It’s Erisabesu. She’s got skills. She’s not Tolkien, but she’s most definitely not n00b #385729. Props to her.  What, me, too lazy to reread this now?  Never!

Just Like Heroine (sugarswirls)
"Sasuke's life has taken a downward spiral since the murder of his family, but his life is flipped upside down when he meets a sweet, blonde haired girl named Naruto. But there's more to Naruto than meets the eye... Highschool AU SasuNaru"
M – Romance/Drama – 26ch – 223K – 643r – 2.13.06—9.26.07

Yet another high school fic. And look! Naruto’s a feminine cross-dresser! In fact, that’s not Naruto at all, it’s just someone with blond hair and blue eyes and the same name. And everyone is apparently gay. And Sasuke’s a druggie. (Hee.) Other highlights include stalker!Itachi (like that’s new), letter bombs in Orochimaru’s mailbox, and an eerily prophetic portrayal of a loud-mouthed tomboy redhead as Naruto’s mother, except this one is supposed to be Kyuubi instead of Uzumaki Kushina. *headdesk*

Aoginozomi Amanohara (Datenshi no Uzumaki)
"AU,SasuNaru:: Now that things have changed for better or worse, Naruto is trying hard to find a place in this crazy world. With the help of her friends, she goes through many unexpected trials and tribulations... Hints of shounenai"
T – Romance/Drama – 37ch – 200K – 391r – 2.21.06—10.10.06

Wow, that’s a mouthful of a title. I’m thinking this author takes themselves too seriously as well. And wait, is that a feminine pronoun I see? Ladies and gents, we’ve come across another girl!Naruto fic. Note the difference between girl!Naruto and crossdresser!Naruto—specifically the anatomy. This is so some people can write yaoi without going to the trouble of breaking seme/uke and/or gender roles, and so some people can write het that pretends it’s based off of Kishimoto Masashi’s monster of a creation. But more specific to the story, this particular author erased the character of boyish Uzumaki Naruto and created a set of twins instead—one who looks like Naruto (the girl) and one who acts like Naruto (the boy). Yeah, I clicked the ‘back’ button.

Close Enough (peacemakerwarfreak)
"Changed the Summary. Naruto became a Taires one night and he has to do everything to protect everyone. Sasuke just wants to spend time with Naruto. SasuNaru and may have other parings... Mythical creatures and pantheons included."
T – Romance/Adventure – 29ch – 107K – 56r – 3.8.06—3.29.07

And here we have someone who got too excited about their Greek mythology homework and, instead of making a clean split with an AU (like phoenixdown7 is so fond of with her history classes), decided to shove the whole mythology into Naruto canon. Gods make for Sues most of the time, and this is no exception. I’m sure the story itself grows as it moves on, and it’s not horribly written, but still. Premises need to be strong. Back button please!

This Way to the Stars (GodofContradiction)
"The boy HAS no parents. And he's a real idiot. I should know he cleans my bathroom floor. AU. Yaoi."
M – General/Romance – 26ch – 113K – 1874r – 3.12.06—6.5.07

Ah, another vicious Sakura-basher. Yay. Disturbingly enough, I’m too masochistic to let this completely turn me away from my investigative efforts. Thus, I read it. At first the characterization (minus Sakura) seems lovely. Naruto’s got an attitude, Sasuke’s a bit of a prick, et cetera et cetera et cetera. Then something happens and it all turns emo. Naruto cracks! He’s an eyeliner-streaked mess! (Okay, so the eyeliner was my embellishment. Can you blame me?) He’s an Abused Child—physically, sexually, oh it’s never enough for these authors, we need to just keep raising the stakes. Because neglect isn’t really abuse until someone gets raped. Jesus, I could write a formula. Can’t remember if there’s a clichéd suicide attempt (there probably is), but there’s definitely the "healing sex" and the requisite Itachi-molestation. Gah. And I read the whole thing, too. Oh well, at least the technique is good. Land sakes, do I spy proper narrative grammar and complete sentences? *swoons*

*Roommates (FastForward)
"Take one broody Sasuke, one hyperactive Naruto, shove them in a University dorm room together, and what do you get? Absolute chaos. SasuNaru"
M – Humor/Angst – 25ch – 120K – 1301r – 3.27.06—4.25.06

Oooh, yet another lack of Romance in the genre. Exciting. Let’s see: decent plot, decent characterization, decent grammar and technique, minimal emo, steady updates, a sense of humor, and a supposedly tragic ending that always makes me suppress a cackle. This fic receives a medal for not being the ‘cess’ in the cesspool. (Also: I know the author, and so I fear her wrath. She’s good, though! Nice humor, interesting plotbunnies, crazy good with updating, et cetera. Yay Sarge. Please don’t hurt me.) It has a sequel! Which ups the emo like crazy but also ties up loose threads from this story, so if you like this one then Blood and Tears (ha, title) is worth a read.

Wait For Me: Searching (Fire and Sand)
"After Sasuke leaves Sakura to bring Naruto back from an overwhelming Sranked mission, Sakura discovers that Sasori plans to leave Konoha and she runs after him. Does she finally remember him? Will Naruto's plan to push Sasuke and Sakura together succeed?"
T – Drama/Romance – 38ch – 193K – 193r – 3.27.06—10.10.07

Déjà vu. Once again I slog through a fic and all its convoluted prequels and sequels (there were like five of of them this time) only to find at the end that it’s been rather a waste of time except for one thing: in this case, not a burning irritation for an OC, but an appreciation for an almost-non-sequitur set of lectures on toxins, in plants and animals and et cetera. I find I really couldn’t care less about the (rather repetitive) story, but am fascinated by more in-depth explanation of how cyanogenic glycosides work. Pairings for the interested: necrophilia!SasuNaru, confused/unrequited!KakaSaku, somehow inevitable!SasoSaku, and irritatingly enough Sakura has managed to carry Sasuke’s child. Jesus. Just go cut yourselves and be done with it.

Spring Time in the Fox Den (Shi no Tenshi 902)
"Kyuubi attacks, yet the Yondaime doesn't die nor is the Kyuubi sealed within Naruto. Instead Jiraiya stops Arashi from sealing the fox demon within his son, yet after that everything gets complicated. Oh and Obito is alive. Yaoi. SasuNaru."
M – General/Adventure – 18ch – 148K – 254r – 4.26.06—9.30.07

(Yay! It doesn’t outright call itself Romance. That’s number three. Nice camouflage, ladies.) What-if scenarios are usually either really good or really bad. This is one of the really bad ones. Rampant OCs and Sueage commence. No, I don’t care if your coddled precocious feminine version of Uzumaki Naruto is the Chosen One of the Gods. I don’t care if he and his best friend are adorable omnipotent little five-year-olds together with some sort of Soul Mate complex. I got over my Sue issues when I was still in the InuYasha fandom; I look forward to when you get over yours. However, props for the Japanese mythology research. Background info is always a plus.

The Uchiha Couple (asashouryuu)
"Uber fluff and angsty stories of Sasuke and Naruto as a married couple. SasuNaru.　Mpreg starting from chapter 14."
M – Romance/General – 88ch – 314K – 3125r – 5.4.06—1.31.07

Oh my god, I don’t even want to talk about this one. Let’s just say I hit the back button as quickly as I could.

*Embracing Dreams (Arigatomina)
"Yaoi AU NaruSasu KakaIru. Iruka and Naruto offer up their home as a safe haven for mutants with nowhere to go. Kakashi offers to help out, dragging Sasuke along for the ride."
M – Romance/Humor – 20ch – 104K – 410r – 5.9.06—10.17.07

Well fuck me Jesus, this is actually a really well-written AU. I don’t really care about the crossover aspects, but the characterization is so thorough and engaging I did a double-take at the url to see if I was really reading on ff.n. An original interpretation of the Naruto-Kyuubi relationship (as far as I can tell, and I’ve been around the fanfic block enough times to recognize originality when I see it), the details are wonderful, and the KakaIru didn’t even trigger the old gag reflex. Props props props to this Arigatomina chick.

*Avenger’s Choice (Shakstergrrl)
"Vengeance was always a deep part of Sasuke, something Naruto had to accept when they became lovers. But now that Uchiha Itachi is dead, the blond shinobi discovers that the real battle to become the most important part of Sasuke’s life has just begun."
M – Angst/Romance – 7ch – 101K – 87r – 5.10.06—6.3.06

This one is interesting. Lots of psychological stuff for stubborn suicidal fucked-up-in-the-head Sasuke. Flashbacks everywhere like crazy, but it doesn’t take away from the story. There are a lot of rampaging ellipses, and occasional capslock attacks, but apart from that this fic gets a definite ‘Pass’ from me.

Rosuto Rakuen (Datenshi no Uzumaki)
"AU, SasuNaru, ShounenAi:: Moving into a new home, Naruto stumbled upon an old book, transporting him into another world. Now given a chance to start a new life, and find new friends, hope, and maybe love, he has to save the worlds from darkness..."
T – Romance/Fantasy – 32ch – 199K – 480r – 5.17.06—7.25.07

This is the same chick who wrote twins!girl!Naruto. This time around, Naruto’s a guy (thank the gods), but Sakura and Gaara are randomly his older twin siblings. I’m guessing Datenshi has a thing for twins. (While Gaara and Sakura aren’t that far apart in age—according to my timeline theories, he’s canonically only two months and nine days older than her—the both of them are actually younger than Naruto, interestingly enough.) The three of them are also orphans, ending up eventually in Tsunade’s wealthy home. The orphan-bouncing-from-foster-home-to-foster-home theme isn’t exactly rare, and neither is the poor-kids-ending-up-in-rich-house theme, but they’re valid plot devices if you use them correctly. So far so good. Then Naruto finds a cool magical book in the ginormous library, and gets whisked away to a version of Konoha that reminds me of Peacemakerwarfreak’s Greek combo universe. Still, not a problem. Then Sasuke (who is a magical wolf!) calls him dobe/dead-last for absolutely no reason. I mean, come on people, use the usuratonkachi/moron-of-morons cliché instead, it at least makes sense. And then Naruto is described as—you know what, I’ll quote it for you.

"There was a gasp, and Sasuke turned around to see the boy rush up to him, staring at his hand. The boy pulled back the raven-haired boy’s hand, and gasped at the sight of blood staining his porcelain colored hand. The blonde was no shorter than his shoulder, and he was really scrawny in a way. He hasn’t seen hair as gold and bright as his, even in the dimly lighted room. And his eyes were an entrancing shade of crystal blue. "You’re hurt and bleeding… are you okay?" He asked in a melodious tone, that was gentle and almost sweet, but low because of his male tone."

No, I’m not joking. (Melodious. I’m serious. Melodious.) And then there’s something like "The Senmin has found his Shugorei", which I’m guessing is another retarded twist on the soulmates!theme. Yay. Urge to back-button…rising… (And, of course, Naruto fits into every damsel-in-distress uke cliché in existence. I won’t stand for that in straight pairings, so why would I stand for it in shounen-ai?) Oooh, and there’s a lame prophecy. And the standard sappy side KakaIru. And I’ll leave it at that.

As the Season Fall (Shitza)
"Sasuke returns, Orochimaru dies, everything is perfect, no? No, it only bring far greater problems for our heroes. Time is against them, the clues are few, but can they stop the goal from Akatsuki from happening? Or is it already too late? Naru x Sasu"
T – Adventure/Romance – 43ch – 180K – 253r – 5.28.06—10.20.07

I’m guessing English isn’t her first language. But that’s okay, it’s not a humongous problem. (Although the metaphors and similes are so awkward it’s hilarious. Engrish, anyone?) Lots of Akatsuki plot and subplot, some Akatsuki OCs, why were people thinking there was a giant Akatsuki member again?, Chuunin Exam!fic, the Fourth’s seal dissolving, et cetera. The melodrama, at least, is funny, though the characterization will be realistic when pigs fly.

Meeting a Stranger (Charlie911)
"[COMPLETE][Sequel to Battle for Dominance]You've just been abandon by your only family and left with everything including the mansion, twelve vacation houses, a well developed business, an adorable slave, and only a single promise in return. [COMPLETE]"
T – Romance/Humor – 22ch – 137K – 272r – 6.19.06—1.10.07

Refer to the comments on Battle for Dominance. Also, Charlie911 thinks it’s cute to have 50% of the wordcount in her fiction be from cutesy quotes and riddles before and after the actual story content in each chapter.

Smile (Repeated Love Song)
"Naruto, the most popular guy on campus. Sasuke, the guy in the corner who never smiles. One never knew what an innocent dare and a determined blonde could to do make everything completely insane....[AU college years NaruSasu]"
T – Romance/Humor – 16ch – 154K – 728r – 6.27.06—9.4.07

Um. Naruto-Sue ahoy! The product placement and dialogue was bad enough, but what really threw me off was the characterization and how Naruto randomly becomes a stalker after not noticing the guy for however long a time. (I simply cannot understand some authors’ fascination with ‘rich’ characters that just randomly throw money around for no reason whatsoever. It’s ridiculous, distracts from the actual plot, and is quite frankly annoying. Oh well.  It was a college!fic, only a step up from high school!fics; there isn't much room for high expectations thereabouts.)

*The Top Floor (KandKL)
"Sasuke is sent to a mental hospital for treatment for his special condition. If the doctors and tests don't kill him, his fellow patients might. Except for a certain blondehaired boy...SasuNaruSasu eventually with some NejiShika. Rated for languagecontent"
M – Romance/General – 11ch – 101K – 467r – 7.13.06—4.20.07

Typical mental hospital AU scenario. Naruto keeps dissociating and trying to kill himself, Sasuke’s got some serious Itachi PTSD, Shikamaru’s schizophrenic, Kiba thinks he’s five years old, Neji (randomly sleeping with Shikamaru, I’ll never understand some of these yaoi pairings) ends up in the clink, and Lee is a very enthusiastic bipolar. It’s not a bad story at all, and the plot is actually compelling. Cheers.

Aurora Borealis II: Festival Misfortune (Blue Lone Wolf 2574)
"It's been over six months and trouble has come again to Konoha and now Naruto, the gang and the rest of the village is caught in the middle! Can old friends come through in time? And can our two boys face the ultimate challenge yet? KakxIru NarXSas"
T – Adventure/Supernatural – 11ch – 110K – 11r – 7.26.06—8.19.07

Yay, another lack of Romance genre. Heh, sequel or no sequel you know there’s something wrong when there’s 110K words, the story’s been running for over a year, but there are only 11 reviews. Especially when nine of those eleven reviews are all from one person, reviewing every chapter enthusiastically (if not so enthusiastically grammatically correctly). The prequel is chock-full of OCs and Sues, so I won’t touch this one. Onward to the next!

Back to the Beginning (lionheart555)
"Naruto and Sasuke are killed and the kyuubi takes them to the past to relive their lives, to perhaps change they're fate. Full summary inside."
T – Adventure – 23ch – 103K – 335r – 9.24.06—1.21.07

You know, I really wish these authors would borrow the nearest six-year-old’s Hooked on Phonics kit and learn things like the difference between there, their, and they’re. It’s called placement, possessive, and contraction, people. If grade-schoolers can learn it, so can you.  While you’re at it, add to the list your and you’re. Possessive and contraction again, my friends. Try for two, to, and too as well—and then write me a note explaining how you passed English/ELA/Humanities/Writing Seminar/etc. class for however many years without knowing these things. (Another non-Romance story? Lovely. However, I think all we’ve seen so far is that this detail makes for either FastForward Sarge or a lot of ridiculous OCs.) Now, I must insist that anyone reading this go to this story and read the prologue. It fails so hard it actually reaches the level of epic; definitely a must-read for all, if only for shits and giggles. Of course, all the rest of the fic is the same, with the added pleasure of the boys becoming Super Sues. Ah, ff.n, what is it about you that draws in the n00bs so effectively?

Pieces (myfailsafe)
"Senior year was supposed to be perfect. Then those transfer students came, and friends started drifting apart. Then suddenly everything fell apart. Life gives you puzzle pieces you just have to put them together. M for Later SasuNaru."
M – Romance/Angst – 17ch – 109K – 202r – 10.6.06—9.9.07

It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t dead certain she’ll get the main pairing back together again even after all that her version of Sasuke has done. That’s called sadism and an unhealthy relationship, and I feel sorry for this chick in real life. So much of fanfic like this is based in the author’s personal kinks (furries, biting, paedophilia, etc.) that I’m wondering if these people seriously get off on abuse.

*Fish Bird (The Eternity Dragon)
"He had to somehow break the silence between then. 'I never meant to love you.' Sasuke said, 'I didn't want to, I never planned to.' 'Sasuke,' Naruto replied, 'you've ruined everything.' SasuNaru"
M – Romance/Drama – 13ch – 103K – 105r – 10.27.06—10.2.07

It’s Fish Bird. Every time I think of it I get this song stuck in my head. (http://nocturnal-devil.deviantart.com/art/Fish-cat-ate-my-cat-fish-29099539) It’s a worthy theme song to be sure. Also, TED is one of the few ffners with skillz.

A vague Judy-ish summary would be: vaguely creepy, bringing in non-canon elements without the usual irritating OCs, vivid imagery and etc., realistic SasuNaru relationship, dark without being too melodrama or emo, and Kiba is the love.

Restless (Jelp)
"Naruto's restless sleeping habits aren't keeping him awake at night, but they sure are keeping Sasuke up. What's a guy supposed to do when his teammate is molesting him in the middle of the night and the blond doesn't even realize it? SasuNaruSasu"
M – Romance – 20ch – 103K – 518r – 10.30.06—9.9.07

I vaguely remember reading this one. Somehow all that comes to mind is that it sucked. Dammit, I’ll read it anyway. Because Judy is a masochist like that.

*reads the first chapter* Yup, fail. Dude, everyone masturbates in some form or another. Little kids explore their bodies—ever seen a baby playing with its toes? Ever seen a little boy walking around with his hand down his pants? It’s called curiosity, and rare is the child that knows what "masturbation" means before they decide to investigate that place where pee comes out. Just because you’re frigid (like Emo Boy) doesn’t mean you haven’t experimented with yourself in some way, shape, or form. Also, why are you writing yaoi when you clearly don’t know enough about the male body to even remember morning wood? Jesus. Oh look, every chapter title starts with the word "Restless". She thinks she’s cute. *reads more* AHAHA you can’t write. Ew. Hee, vitreous cavity. Wow um. Oh man, this is the one where Naruto was raised by Chinese monks. XDDD Ah, Naruto-sues. I wanna squash it. With my BOOT.

*back-button GO!*

The Reflection of Oneself (Usagi-no-Kasai)
"With his death, Naruto leaves behind an unexpected legacy that will affect the world. Twelve years later, a penitent Sasuke finds atonement for his sins by training and protecting young Kyuuzano Nanikato, the innocent creation of a madman’s war."
T – Supernatural/Angst – 23ch – 135K – 816r – 10.31.06—10.16.07

(What have we noticed about lack of Romance genre so far? Five points to Ravenclaw, Miss Fawcett. Yes, either Sarge or random OCs. What’s in the summary? Blatant warning of random OCs. Ahaha. And there’s emo too. This might be just the cramps talking, but I have much better things to do.)

*Gray Colored Happiness (mylilchickadee)
"[NaruSasu][told in first person]Sasuke returns to Konoha only to discover that everything has changed, most of all himself. A study on what makes an avenger tick, after he's taken his vengeance. A sort of sequel to By His Side."
T – Drama/Romance – 7ch – 117K – 83r – 11.20.06—9.16.07

This is well-written plotfulness with a side of emo. Not as repetitively emo as the prequel, but still. Also, Naruto has multiple personalities! And Orochimaru is the crazy little voice in Sasuke’s head. And yet this isn’t a mental institution AU. *tilts head* Oh well, at least she makes Sasuke realistically in denial. That boy strikes me as the type who’d lie to himself for years if it suited his purpose. *waves tiny PROPS flag*

Small Gods (A.L. Anderson)
"Destiny stalks the tales of man like a shadow on his trail. The battles he fights, the trials he endures, all he was destined to win or to lose. Yet the irony remains thus, Only he who wars against his destiny will be remembered in the end, until the End."
T – Adventure/Drama – 28ch – 102K – 162r – 11.23.06—6.29.07

And the trend continues. There’s an annoying OC Stu sensei-thing, Naruto goes all Sue, Sasuke never shows up (though mentioned once very briefly, despite the fact that he’s listed as one of the primary characters in this fic), then about halfway through the entire thing gets taken over by a mass of OCs. And then Naruto gets more Suish. And then I click the back button.

Just Like Heroin (VanityWantsYou)
"It never ends well when you fall in love with a straight man. [NaruSasu and SasuNaru]"
M – Romance/Drama – 35ch – 130K – 2317r – 1.8.07—10.21.07

This is a soap opera.

No, I’m not kidding. A teen father (played by Uzumaki Naruto) travels to America to find a new life working at Wal-Mart, along with a group of similarly migrating Japanese teens. They have a cutesy life together, trading banter from cash register to cash register, though one worker (played by Sai) has an unrequited gay crush on Charming Teen Parent. By the way, the kid’s your typical fic deus ex machina—cute, intelligent, wise, says everything the authoress wishes she could say. Lovely.

Enter the handsome young Japanese film star with the clichéd tragic past (played by Uchiha Sasuke), going into hiding in a nondescript American town to relax before embarking on a project to star in a movie about his backstory. He walks into a Wal-Mart and they meet; after witnessing Charming Teen Parent’s "acting skills", Hottie Film Star invites him to a sad excuse for an audition (clearly this writer knows nothing about the acting business) and ends up giving him the other lead role. Eager to give his oh-so-adorable kid (with the adorably requited gay crush on another five-year-old as a ridiculously pointless little subplot) a better, even more materialistic life, Charming Teen Parent agrees. Evil Biological Teen Mother soon cuts off child support, and much angst ensues; after the arrival and banter of Hottie Film Star’s brother and associates (played by Uchiha Itachi and the Akatsuki), they all hop into a plane and fly back to Japan.

The film’s plot involves a tragic and oh-so-illegal love affair between a younger Hottie Film Star and his teacher, who eventually tries to hang on to his sad excuse for a marriage by leaving Hottie Film Star to actually spend time with his wife; in a tragic scene, a truck slams into Paedophilic P.E. Teacher’s car and squishes him. I laugh. During the filming scene, though, Hottie Film Star gets hit by convenient PTSD hallucinations/flashbacks and winds up getting one of Big Brother’s Associates almost killed by the stunt truck. I laugh some more. (This later evolves into a side romance subplot between Director!Big Brother and Loudmouthed Associate #4 (played by Hidan) that manages to have absolutely nothing to do with the actual plot (or, in fact, canon) whatsoever.) Blah blah blah and Big Brother’s Associates are apparently also drug lords, and Evil Opponent #1 (played by Orochimaru) is after Charming Teen Parent. Yay. Meanwhile, Hottie Film Star has been randomly falling in love with Charming Teen Parent, who in spite of playing Paedophilic P.E. Teacher on top of all this manages to claim complete heterosexuality with a straight face. Despite regularly making out with Unrequited Crush!Friend (Sai, remember). Yeah, doesn’t make much sense to me either, especially when he hits on anything with a dick when he’s drunk. WTF?

Moving on: once filming is complete (and after a rather "interesting" faux sex scene where Hottie Film Star does Naughty Things), they all go to the premiere, which will confirm that all participants will become famous and all previously famous participants will simply implode from the popularity (ha, I wish). Directly after, Evil Opponent #1 has Charming Teen Parent and Hottie Film Star kidnapped and shot at, and once the drama is through Hottie Film Star looks rather like a piece of Swiss cheese. A deathbed confession is made! Charming Teen Parent angsts, "If only I wasn’t convinced I’m somehow straight!" Deus ex Machina Kid angsts, "Now I have to leave all my conveniently gay friends to go off to America and develop Multiple Personality Disorder!" And Charming Teen Parent takes his spawn and returns to the Land of the Fast Food, emoing all the way.

Flash forward ten years, where Deus ex Machina Kid’s prediction has come true and he is now a transvestite on top of all of that, and Charming Teen Parent hasn’t grown much as a person. Director!Big Brother shows up at their front door with his associates with the news that no, Hottie Film Star wasn’t dead, this is a soap opera! No one dies in soap operas, silly, they merely wind up in nine-year comas! You know, for the angst factor! And there is emo and crying and Deus ex Machina Kid is magically cured (though he’s still flamingly gay, along with everyone else in this silly excuse for a fanfic) and Hottie Film Star and Charming Teen Parent end up going out and no one has any hard feelings and they all live happily ever after.

The end.

(No, I’m seriously not kidding.)

Memories and Lies (Landiddy)
"What happens when Naruto has a few secrets that no one's heard? What happens when Sasuke wants to know? What happens when two boys get their fates mingled together? Worse, they're two lonely boys in high school. AU MM rape angst lang adult theme"
M – Romance/Angst – 28ch – 188K – 107r – 1.13.07—10.1.07

Ahoy! Emo!Naruto off the starboard bow! Aaand I really couldn’t care less. Carry on with your bad poetry and all, but I’m leaving. Toodles.

*La Belle Dame Sans Merci (elveljung)
"Life gones on after Sasuke's departure, except for all the ways in which it doesn't. Hatred and love are about equally likely to break you, as Naruto has become keenly aware. Mainly NaruSasu"
M – Tragedy/Drama – 42ch – 202K – 169r – 1.17.07—10.21.07

This finally breaks the non-Romance trend by being neither Sarge nor rampant OCs. Instead it’s a rather well-told tale of just how fucked up Sasuke and Naruto are (particularly the former) that throws absolutely everything at you in terms of plot. The only thing that pops up immediately is the odd bit of Britslang, but that’s all right because the writer’s another Swede. (Good fanficcers, those Swedes.) Despite the frankly disturbing KakaSasu, I’d give this one a definite Pass. Props to you, elveljung!

Craving (o0Kitsune0o)
"It all started when Kakashi locked them in a room together as a punishment for bickering. Who knew falling so hard in love you could barely focus would be such a journey? It should be smooth sailing.. right? [SasuNaru] Team 7 lives together."
M – Romance/Drama – 35 – 138K – 875r – 2.2.07—9.7.07

Five words: Juugo’s enzyme as an STD. XD Apart from that? This fic is…froofy. Like, it’s lame, but it’s so lame you can’t help but read it to laugh. I’d have to say it makes an epic fail on the sexually transmitted ‘Heaven’ curse seal alone. Also, Sasuke and Naruto undergo a transformation from melodramatic shinobi teenagers to horny little shinobi bunnies. Apart from that? Soppiest. Couplefic. Evar. It likes to pretend it has a plot, but really, it’s just a gigantic blanket scenario. (And the nicknames! It’s too much!)

Disease of Love (Nao Angel)
"Summer is coming up and the school year is almost done for Naruto. He is looking forward to going to the Country of the Sun, a trip he's been planning for so long with his fellow high school classmates. [SasuNaru, GaaNeji]."
M – Romance/Humor – 16ch – 109K – 408r – 2.15.07—9.29.07

Wow. Um. This thing is so full of awkward drama it hurts to look at. And I don’t even want to talk about the characterization. Suffice to say I wanted to shoot the author in the head by the tenth or eleventh chapter—sadly not an unusual reaction to a fic on ff.n, but I had been getting my hopes up because of fic like GCH, ED, FB, LBDSM, etc. There are three main categories of bad fanfiction: generic badfic (kind of lame but not that blindingly awful), epic badfic (*cough*JustLikeHeroin*cough*), and crapfic. It might be the mood swing talking, but I’m filing this under the crapfic section.

(LOL LET’S TURN GHEY NAO)

Of Storm and Fire (Give’em Hell)
"Orochimaru is out of the picture and sparks began to fly with Sasu & Naru. This leads to new ranks, marriage, and KIDS!Naruto thought he'd never have to see his problem in one of his kids. Full summary inside.YAOI SasuNaru Mpreg More YAOI then SasuNaru."
M – Romance/Angst – 23ch – 259K – 149r – 2.27.07—10.14.07

Oh, honey. XD It’s called spellcheck, dear. My word, I haven’t seen such atrocious spelling since the last time I went to the main page of the Naruto section on ff.n.

So! The cheesy OOC SasuNaru fluff—and the hasty summary of how the characters got together—ends at chapter three. There are 23 chapters in total. Guess how many chapters are dedicated to the author’s set of OC spawn?

Ah, back-button. I love you so.

(For the interested, a summary of the first three chapters: In this fantard universe, jinchuuriki apparently go through a maturing period around 16. They magically sprout demonic characteristics and lose their memory for three days. Of course, Naruto and Jiraiya know this because Kyuubi told them. Why are they listening to the sadistic pyromaniac monster fox with entitlement and instant gratification issues again?…

But I digress. Sasuke is limping through the forest injured from a final battle with Batman and Ro—er, Orochimaru and Kabuto, after finding out that they wanted to kill Naruto. (All this time, Sasuke’s been pretending Naruto’s been with him at Sound and making up conversations in his head, because of their twoo wuv. As he hobbles through the trees, he hears blondie’s voice in his head cheering him on. Give’em Hell calls this characterization. I call it borderline schizophrenia.) Amnesiac!demonic!Naruto comes across him in a splendid coinkydink that I like to call bad plot management. They pine. They angst. Naruto eventually regains his memory and fluff ensues. Jiraiya returns (having had low enough IQ to leave the jinchuuriki alone in the woods with a sadistic pyromaniac monster fox etc. at the helm) and does a double-take. Time-jumps and bad summarization of fic events ensue. Everyone accepts Sasuke back into Konoha without hesitation, Sasuke gives up on Itachi in order to stay with his SOULMAET LOLZ, Tsunade taps Naruto for Hokage, Sasuke proposes, and Sakura is paired with Sai. And then the mpreg! Ah, fantards.)

Naruto: The New Chronicles (Ninja Chan)
"Under Hokage orders, a new addition is added to Team Seven. Kagome Takai is much different from others. A new Kekkai Genkai is discovered from this girl, like Sasuke. They hate eachother, but it seems to change. Not an Inuyasha crossover. No flamers pleas"
T – Adventure/Romance – 33ch – 103K – 142r – 3.21.07—10.20.07

Ahahahahahahahaha. Am I going to touch this one? No I am not. This is formulaic Suefic. Brilliant new kunoichi with kekkei genkai appears, tragic past, v. pretty, UST with Emo Boy etc. etc. etc. I didn’t really expect to see one of these up here…guess the fantards are getting more and more longwinded…

But, to business! The author feels the need to put the whole story in bold font. Lovely. And the character is initially mistaken for a boy. It’s not written that horrifically in terms of technique. Props for that, at least.

Love Me, My Brother (lunaryu)
"Sasuke, Naruto schoolmates and enemies who always fight if they meet. However, shit happens as their single parent decides to marry each other! Enemies become brothers? Or more than that? Brotherly love at first, Yaoi at later chaps.Chap.19 GUUYS!Oh YEAH!"
T – Humor/Romance – 20ch – 103K – 404r – 4.19.07—10.21.07

Oooh. The title alone makes me giggle. …Oh wow, this is the first Naruto-Sasuke single-parents-fall-in-love!fic I’ve read that didn’t have Kakashi and Iruka randomly sexing their way through half the story. 8D Just for that, I’m actually going to read it.

(The author’s first language is…uh, what do you call the language spoken in Indonesia, ‘Indonesian’? Yeah, that. So apparently she was learning Japanese and English at the same time, hence the overuse of Japanese phrases. Doesn’t stop it from being annoying, but oh well.)

Ah~ this is one of those crazy things where there is crossdressing and self-insertion yaoi fangirls and stupid romantic-play plot devices and love quadrangles and no one is believably IC. Gentlemen, we have come across a specimen of the purple-spotted Asian RYFG! Slightly less annoying than the American RYFG, this creature can be found hoarding graphic doujin in hardcopy and embracing the common and pedophilic versions of the seme/uke stereotypes almost utterly, and of course writing fanfic like it’s about to go out of style.

*Misery Business (Ladelle)
"By fluke or stroke of malice, Naruto wakes up in the future. He is unknowingly a key piece in a corporate struggle for power, and struggles to maintain his sexuality, especially with the corporate Mogul Uchiha wanting more than just his intelligence. EPIC"
M – Adventure/Romance – 35ch – 127K – 754r – 5.21.07—10.10.07

This story makes up for the last, like, five. =^^= Eeeeeplot~ *cuddles* It’s so pretty and sci-fi and plot to which the pr0n is secondary~ *pets* I never ever want to let it go.

Eeeeescifi~ X3

(On a more professional note: this story consists of cryonics, conspiracy, time travel, and a future where there aren’t enough females to go around so everyone else ends up gay. 8D)

Brother’s Can’t Be Trusted (Kiwi Ninamori)
"Itachi decides to entertain himself by winning over the heart of some poor sap. But what happens when that person happens to be Sasuke's own best friend and crush. Will Sasuke be able to keep Naruto out of his brother's clutches? ItaNaru ,mainly SasuNaru"
M – Romance/Drama – 52ch – 200K – 860r – 6.4.07—9.1.07

Aaand then the writing goes right back down the drain. Oh well. I’m used to it by now.

If you have the stomach to read this, prepare for spastic!schizo!childish!uke-Naruto, some sort of spastic version of Sasuke, and the sadly cliched sexualpredator!Itachi. Um, yay?

(I didn’t have the patience to read past chapter 4. Sorry.)

Tale of a Wolf and Fox (Muffin234)
"Sasuke and Naruto are both demons searching for love. What happens when they meet? First fanfic, no flames please."
M – Romance/Fantasy – 31ch – 132K – 1112r – 6.26.07—10.22.07

Aw, it’s her first fic. That’s so cute. And it’s anthro. That’s even cuter. And she couldn’t write her way out of a paper bag. ^^

So adorable I think I just might hit the back button. Leave the rest to the imagination~

And best of all, now I don't have any reason to ever set foot in the archives of ff.n. EVER AGAIN.

*dances*

Comments

Re: close enough

[kohikari.livejournal.com]

o.o

*waves* Hello there. Er, you're welcome.

>.<;;; People keepfinding this, when I expected really not much of an audience at all--Asuka (Asuka!), and Bike, and Acacia, and D_T, and three actual authors of the subject material so lavishly sporked, and eeep people I hope not to offend!...

(...Dammit, now I have this bizarre urge to go back and read it all the way through. No, Judy! Resist temptation! You have homework to do!)