kohikari: text: "I read crappy fanfiction in / my spare time. / It's crap, / I know it's crap, / and yet I / can't stop." (guilty habit)
Alternative Title: Bomb-Ass Holiday Cookies

The first thing you should know about me in the kitchen is that I am Lazy As Fuck.  Left to my own devices, I eat instant ramen and boxed macaroni-&-cheese out of the saucepan I make them in, so I don't have to wash dishes.  I don't use a colander because I'd have to clean that too, so instead I've taught myself how to drain the macaroni very carefully using a chopstick to hold it in place.  I hate extra work and I hate cleaning up.  Also I seesaw between freaking out over doing something wrong and going "fuck it, I don't even care anymore," so my approach to cooking is kind of...I don't cook much.

But I FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS COOKIES, and my mom is usually too wiped from the end-of-year overtime-work-and-cooking-holiday-dinner routine to do it herself, so I had to take over.  And the cutout sugar cookies with the colorful powdered-sugar-and-lime-juice icing are delicious and nostalgic and awesome, but when it's already after sundown on Christmas Day and I've been working all week and procrastinating my ass off...it's just easier to make a batch of these instead.

The first thing you should know about me in general is that I am incredibly judgemental, bad at keeping a lid on it, and enjoy editorializing far too much.  Expect annotations to get out of control as per usual.

* NOTE: this is adapted from this Whole Foods recipe, but I'm ignoring all the fussy bullshit & also what is wrong with these people that there's no molasses in their spice cookies? who the hell wants their gingerbread to be blond???

equipment )
ingredients )


  • blend dry ingredients in one mixing bowl

  • suck it up & get out the mixer

  • cream butter & sugar in the other mixing bowl

  • dump in the egg, vanilla, & molasses and mix that in

  • dump the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients & mix well (but not too well)

  • scrape dough into two log-type-objects, wrap in plastic wrap, & stick it in the freezer

  • clean up the mess & twiddle your thumbs for 30-60 minutes

  • break the dough into cookie-sized chunks, mold chunks into cookie shape, roll in sugar, and put on baking sheet

  • bake for 15ish minutes until they're doneish

  • enjoy ♥

DETAILED INSTRUCTIONS (for people like me who angst over the directions on the back of the shampoo bottle)
tl;dr )
If any Actual CooksTM wind up reading this, please feel free to correct any errors in my baking logic.  I may be doing this horribly wrong; all I really know is that the cookies turn out edible enough.

* (This is where the official recipe wants you to slice your "6-inch discs" of cookie dough into "24 equal wedges," roll them into "5-inch rope[s]," and twist them in pairs. If you're anything like me, that sentence made you want to start hyperventilating a little. What the hell do they expect you to do, use a ruler???)

January 2017

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